This week’s Hot-or-Not ranking benefits from the fact that I teared up almost immediately upon laying eyes on Iorek Byrnison, one of the best characters of the entire franchise, if not the best outright. (Will Parry’s cat is a strong contender also.) I mean, look at him! Does that look like a bear who gives a flying fuck about tHe MaGiStEriUm? No! Fuck your patriarchy! All he cares about is ripping into deserving flesh and keeping promises to little girls! He’s Worf, is what I’m saying.
Also it looks very cold in Trollesund, which means cuffing season is drawing to its inevitable close.
Dr. Martin Lanselius: Witch Incel. Weird steampunk libertarian vibe. I don’t like him. Never have. (-100)
Lee Scoresby: Enters singing (-50). Continues singing (-50). Patronizes 12-year-old girl (-5). Out-bureaucrats a bureaucrat (+10), steals from men abetting his friend’s unlawful imprisonment (+10). Hester (+75). We’ll see.
John Faa: Is the king of the Gyptians (+1), does absolutely nothing this week (-1). What are you even for, John.
Iofur Raknison’s Helmet: Give it to me. (+2)
Mrs. Coulter: Transcends demotion by powerful Church leaders via strong negotiation skills (+1), is playing a bunch of asshole alpha-males off each other to get what she wants (+10), ventures into a cave alone to manipulate a panserbjørne with absolutely zero backup (+5), tells daemon to shut up (-1), smacks daemon when he tries to hold her hand (-10).
Lord Boreal: Physically intimidates pedophile (+5), ultimately chooses not to make good on pedophile intimidation (-10), demonstrates ability to pin a person to a wall in any capacity (+30), close-talking (+5). Murder Zaddy still got it.
Iorek Byrnison: Deep alcoholic depression (-1), refuses friends’ help (-1), cool nose scars (+1), roars in triumph (+5), intends to squash his spineless captors’ head against the frozen earth like a watermelon (+10), ultimately spares said captors (+100). I would die for Iorek Byrnison.
Farder Coram: Openly and unselfconsciously cries about his dead son (+100), coolly legitimizes tween girl when random asshole (Scoresby) condescends to her and attempts to get fraternal with her perceived male superior (+1,000,000).
BEYOND THE THIRST
His Dark Materials effectively hinges on the idea that Lyra Belacqua is one of the only people anywhere who can read the alethiometer without consulting the texts, right? It freaks adults out, not only because that quality puts her at the heart of a great, spooky prophecy, but also because it represents a child’s ability to survive and even thrive without their tutelage. Lyra, for her part, more or less shrugs it off every time some old dude is like 😱.
A. of all, That’s the most Gen Z, “OK, boomer” shit I’ve ever heard.
B. of all, is it really that impossible to read a device that relies on a combination of symbology and the ability to lightly dissociate from one’s surroundings? Like, of course the hourglass with the skull on it foretells imminent danger and/or death. Of course the dolphin means play or intelligence. Even if it’s some sort of universe-specific limitation that keeps adults from intuiting these answers, we’re talking about a world where people’s souls literally take the form of the animal they’re most like, in a sort of reverse anthropomorphism. Their entire existence revolves around metaphor, and you’re telling me they can’t figure out what a beehive represents? Get real.
Anyway, enjoy the long weekend if you’re stateside. Celebrate by learning something about the indigenous land you’re living on. Angelenos, here’s a compelling 101 on the Tongva people.