if you give an old dog an (expensive) egg
he will pull the cancer card and become a boiled-chicken grifter
The thing you need to understand about Oscar is that food is his life. This little Tijuana street mutt would eat *anything* you give him this side of lettuce. (Lettuce is just a tissue without boogers to give it flavor.) He used to hork down his kibble so fast that I got him one of those spiral bowls that forced him to take his time. And from April 2022 up until like two weeks ago, I’d been feeding him that expensive “human-grade” food that consists of whole chunks of meat and veggies and whatnot. He loved it.
Until he didn’t. Around the same time, what I thought was a birthmark under his left front leg ballooned into an alarming-looking tumor. I took him to the vet, where they scheduled a next-day surgery to remove it, along with a bunch of the poor guy’s teeth. (While we were still there, he actually tried to scratch the tumor with his hind claws, ripping it open and creating the exact sort of bloody mess you’re imagining. Dogs are disgusting.) Anyway, surgery went fine. They had to intubate him twice because he’s an old man with acid reflux, and they took a nearby lymph node to biopsy along with the tumor. But otherwise, fine.
Still, though, he wouldn’t eat. First, I thought it was his trachea, on account of the intubation thing; then I thought it was the antibiotics (either it upset his stomach, or he decided we’d poisoned his food with the yucky stuff; perhaps both). Then I thought maybe he just didn’t know how to eat anymore with such a significantly reduced number of teeth.
So we abandoned the expensive food. I tried to give him his pills in bits of hardboiled egg, which worked exactly one time. (The Egg Gambit™ also prompted more than a few oh, you RICH rich? replies to my IG stories.) Eventually, I had to give him the last few antibiotics doses via “pilling,” which is a nice euphemism for “shoving the pill down their throat and then holding their mouth shut until they swallow.” A real delight for all involved!
Still, he refused to eat with any of his normal voracity or cadence. Finally he decided he preferred kibble, so I started giving him the smallest kibble I could find (see: having six teeth). I bought a lick mat, from which, as you can see in the video above, I also fully let him eat while chilling on the couch. There are no more rules in this house. He gets whatever he wants.
And that was before we got the call about the cancer.
That was last Thursday, when his primary vet called to let me know the biopsy results came back. Both tumor and lymph node were malignant, which means his cutaneous melanoma has metastasized. That means he’s stage 3, which — his vet told me, as I valiantly suffocated my emotional breakdown, like the quintuple Capricorn I am — has a prognosis of about a year. Every time someone has checked on me since then, my answer is the same:
There is good news. First, subsequent x-rays didn’t find any in his lungs, which is great, since that’s apparently where it most likely should’ve gone next. He’ll be getting an ultrasound, hopefully next week, to make sure there’s nothing tumor-y happening in his stomach, and we’ll be trying the vaccine that apparently? exists? for dog melanoma. Yes, it is also going to cost me the price of a decent used car, but for the first (and hopefully only) time in my life, I have created a GoFundMe, so Oscar’s fans and friends can help out.
Most importantly, Oscar no longer seems to be concerned about any of this. The past couple days, he has (FINALLY) started eating a fuckload of kibble (and boiled chicken, because I am a mark) at his usual mealtimes. As if nothing had ever happened. On Wednesday, he tried to drag me down the street by his throat to keep playing with his new neighborhood boyfriend. Yesterday, he furiously humped my Star Trek insignia pillow mid-zoomies attack. He’s about 12 or 13 at this point, but I have to believe he’s got a few good years of humping and barfing and begging to go. There’s so much boiled chicken to look forward to, after all.
What I’ve been watching
Decision to Leave: We actually watched this towards the beginning of January and I just … forgot? Somehow. It’s fantastic, though. The Handmaiden is still my fave Park Chan-Wook, but absolutely watch this film. The music alone!
The Gangster, The Cop, The Devil: As a known fan of stories where criminals do justice better than cops, I loved this movie. Also, Ma Dong-seok has filled the place in my heart that the Rock vacated in recent years. Let this man be hot on the worst day of his life in everything.
Doom Patrol: It’s no The Magicians, but the most recent season has kinda approached that level of absurdity. I also don’t know if it’s good, per se — everyone seems to just be circling their problems ad infinitum — but it’s been fun to throw on, like any decent comic.
Doctor Who: This one is Derrick’s fault. I don’t know if I’m hate-watching or just willing myself to see it through the eyes of teenage Devon — whomst didn’t care about things like “female characters written by misogynists” and “showrunners whose favorite pastime is mansplaining to said female characters” — but I am having fun. Also, Matt Smith’s Doctor has autism. Is that fan-canon? I’m too scared to look.
Hunters: OK, look, I’ve been in a dark place, and this met my energy. I can’t say it was enjoyable, and I can’t say I recommend it. It just hit me at the right place at the right time. It be like that sometimes.
The Last of Us, Episode 3: Listen. LISTENNNNN.
Also, I finished Leverage! What competence-porn procedural should I work/dissociate to next?
Some good recent stuff to click on
Wait, am I the only millennial who hasn’t watched Bluey?
I loved Rings of Power, but I also love reading Austin Gilkeson on everything Tolkien, so I literally made a NYRB account to read this one.
Come for the headline (“The Enshittification of TikTok”), stay for the social-media-life-cycle commentary you won’t be able to get out of your head for weeks.
Dude. WHAT TIME IS IT ON THE MOON????
Calling it now, “despite record profits” will be the 2023 word of the year.
Recently in friends (why haven’t I done this before?)
My pal Shing is crowdfunding their incredibly good illustrated tarot deck, which I threw my money at immediately. I mean, seriously, look at these babies. Don’t you want that, too? Shing is an actual genius and I want to live in their brain.
My girl Emily SIGNED with my FAVORITE LITERARY AGENT!!
Helena continues her emotional terrorism.
And the Amazon wishlist for my little mutual aid gang serving food and supplies to our unhoused and housing-insecure neighbors in MacArthur Park and DTLA every week got a new TinyURL — the old one broke. It’s http://www.tinyurl.com/unhousedinla now. Tell your friends.